My breastfeeding story.
Today I read an article on Cafe Mom about how difficulties with breastfeeding can prompt Postpartum Depression. This article is quite pertinent to my life currently. Postpartum Depression is a very serious issue that effects many new mothers. Postpartum Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, but if you are already having blues or other problems, and at a time when your hormones are going crazy and your maternal instincts are telling you that you have to protect and care for your baby, something like the most basic ability to feed them not going the way you planned has the ability to send you over the edge.
I am one of those new mothers who has experienced the post-baby blues, and I am very lucky it has not developed into PPD. I believe it could have had I not recognized the signs early and identified the triggers to my depressive moods. The following is the story of my battle with breast feeding and what I’ve learned over the course of the first month of my daughter’s life.
My daughter was in NICU for the first few days of her life, and was swept away from birth before I even got a chance to attempt a good latch. I was producing colostrum, but I was only allowed to go feed her every 3 hours. If she slept through it, oh well. She was getting dehydrated so they had me start pumping and fed her with a bottle. When she came home I tried nursing from the breast for about 2 weeks, but she wouldn’t suck consistently (only for about 5 seconds at a time), she refused to latch, and about 1 hours after every feeding she would cry and cry and wouldn’t calm down, even if I offered the breast. I was afraid she had colic and I started seeing the signs of PPD.
I felt like a failure for not knowing what was wrong, I would even find myself getting angry at HER in the middle of the night and not wanting anything to do with her. I would spend my nights waking every few hours to her cries and dreading to go into the nursery. I would plead with her to just eat. Begging a newborn baby to do anything is a little silly, but through my tears I would just beg her to latch, sometimes I would even start to yell at her. My husband would come in and hold me while I tried and eventually I would have to just give her to him because I could not deal with her any more. I HATED myself for feeling this way about my own child. I felt like a failure for my inability to provide the most basic need for my baby.
Luckily, all along I had been feeding her and pumping a few ounces to stockpile in case we ever needed it. After a few days of a very fussy baby, my mom suggested to offer the breast and then the milk in a bottle. She would play with my breast, but never latch and suck. When offered the bottle however, she would readily accept it and down the whole thing very quickly. I hated giving her a bottle when my own breasts were producing plenty of milk, but I had to choose between a hungry baby crying for hours, and my own sanity and potentially our well being.
Almost immediately we noticed a difference. She calmed down and started getting more restful sleep. While it’s a little inconvenient to pump and feed her a bottle, it’s still important to me that she gets breast milk. If I can’t get it to her from the breast, I’ll settle for bottle. (And YES, I’ve tried a nipple shield.) While breast milk is important, a healthy mother getting plenty of rest and having a secure bond with her daughter is even more important.
I will admit that before my daughter was born I was like the breast feeding nazis, I couldn’t understand why anyone would EVER give their baby formula. I never spoke out against formula feeding—except to my husband. I would judge new mothers for giving up breastfeeding so easily without understanding fully the complexity of breastfeeding. Yes, breastfeeding is the most basic method for caring for a newborn. Monkeys do it, cats do it, why can’t every human do it as well? Turns out, it’s not that simple. There are a myriad of issue that face women when trying to nurse their infants—cracked nipples, low supply, over supply, just to name a few.
While it is most certainly easy for me to blame the fact that Alden was taken to the NICU and we were not able to bond early and learn together how to nurse, I cannot say that this is the absolute reason she’s unwilling to nurse from the breast. While I think it’s a contributing factor, I can never be certain. So for now, I will do what I know how to do, I will feed my child. It may not be the method I was hoping for, but it’s what I have to do. Never again will I judge any mother for the choices they have to make. You can never fully know the reasons behind any decision.
I am so very lucky to have the support system that I do. My husband, mother, in-laws, and church family have been so supportive in this new stage of my life, and I can never thank them enough for their love and prayers.
